We Like Sheep - Wandering Astray

I wrote this a few nights ago for a discussion the Hawthorne project was having about reports that there were people sleeping on the church porch and leaving trash around the building. As I thought about what to share, I was struck how useful the practices of the weekly circle I do were in making honest, aware, choices. A while ago a friend of mine from another circle commented that: "I come to Circle because it is the most profound time during my week – a time when I can try to put into words in front of witnesses what otherwise only haunts my dreams and rattles around in my unconscious." Reading the discussion, I was haunted by memories and choices I had made. I was struggling to focus at work, so I took an early lunch break and wrote this email. After I sent the email, I had a lot easier time focusing on the rest of my shift. Where do you find space to discuss the things that "haunt your dreams and rattle around in your unconscious?"

Frank,

Thanks for getting at the root contradiction here. Last week as Hawthorne was wrapping up it started to rain. It was 4pm and all of the adults had places to go. At that point the adults had to directly ask the kids to leave a warm dry place and go out to a cold wet place.

I know I faced a pretty stark choice. How much of my time do I spend here with them? What of mine do I offer? Where do we draw the boundaries? etc.

I knew enough to be troubled saying: "good luck, hope you keep warm and dry, see ya next week." I chose a way to handle something that was defined, finite, easy, and avoided addressing the hardest problem - I gave mimi, her kids, and the group of pregnant friends that stay with her a ride to star of hope, where they stay. It was a way easier thing then inviting the kids who did not have a place to sleep to wait out the rain at my apartment, a lot less risk.

That was a choice i made, I can try to justify my choice, but the reality I don't like to talk about is that kids I know staid outside in the rain and cold because I chose one way as opposed to another. I don't want to get into moral arguments or guilt here, I happen to think I made the best choice for me there. I just think that as we have to have these conversations we need to start by acknowledging the facts of our choices and their consequences.

Wanting to delude ourselves about these choices and their consequences is not a new thing, the second chapter of James addresses people making that same move, when the author writes: "15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?"

Those kids sleep outside because the church has made the choice not to let them sleep inside. Any discussion with the trusties should start from that context. Those kids sleep outside because our neighbors chose not to invite them to sleep inside. Any discussion with the neighbors should start from that context as well.

How do we do that? I would recommend this as a minimum, let's get a real plan together for doing some kind of night shelter together, with a real budget and a dedicated account to hold funds for such a project. Any neighbor who complains can be welcome to contribute towards the budget for this and to host fundraisers with their neighbors and the local home owners association to help fund such a project. I am sure the costs of said plan are smaller then the imagined hit to their property values. If they are not willing to help fund things, I suggest we come up with a plan b, that involves some kind of intentional space outside and visible where the kids can find shelter with our blessing. If the cops are called by the neighbors it would be for trespassing on the church grounds, if they are intended to be there, its not trespassing. I am willing to bet that given the alternatives funding for whatever realistic changes needed to happen and maintenance costs would be a lot easier.

These choices are not simple or easy, I have made the choice to withdraw from hawthorne for a time, as a way of not having to foreground the consequences of my own choices. I had a kid from hawthorne stay with me for six months, and I made the choice to kick him out. None of those were easy, but I think if I am honest, I can't deny any more that there are kids out there that can't go home, kids in our group who have been harassed for the sexual orientation and refusal to live in heteronormative patterns, kids who do not have a place to stay tonight, kids for whom sleeping on the floor, inside, out of the rain, would be a upgrade.

What we chose to do is ours alone to decide, the basic contradiction is not.

For me, I chose to finish my lunch and go back to my job.

Nate